he last programme presented by married couple Nick and Vanessa Lachey (fixtures in the reality TV firmament for the last 10-15 years,

for reasons that need not concern us now, or possibly ever) was Love Is Blind. This was (indeed continues to be, until at least 2024,.

Well, bless my little rhetorical socks – we now have an answer! The answer is “Yes, absolutely”, and it is delivered in the form of The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On.

In this 10-part bin fire, the Lacheys introduce us to what is claimed to be six couples, but by my instantly anxious and fevered count, number at least 302

I cannot possibly be expected to remember 604 – or indeed 12 – contestant names at my time of life, especially when they are all entirely interchangeable, so, instead

I have labelled them blonks 1-6A/B (the men) and blermps 1-6A/B (the women. Homosexuality has not yet entered the Lacheyean universe, although they have promised a second season with an LGBT cast).

To be fair, a couple of the blonks do stand out (Jake for being nine parts puppy and apparently as nice a guy as reality TV has ever unearthed

April is a quick, funny, genuine charmer of 23 who should no more be wanting to get married than … any quick, funny, charming 23-year-old should.