The months leading up to this weekend’s jubilee have not be easy. The queen has survived death hoaxes,

COVID-19, having to forgo her nightly martini, and being photographed with her disgraced son all for this moment. So … what exactly is all the royal hubbub about? Come along, plebes.

On February 6, Queen Elizabeth became the first British monarch to be in power for seven decades. This is particularly remarkable because the queen is famously very young.

As we all know, the royals have a habit of excessive celebrations and bizarre traditions. Obviously, they’re going to go HAM for the queen’s 70th anniversary.

Saturday’s events include the derby at Epsom Downs — the queen loves herself some horses — and a Platinum Party at the palace.

Sunday marks the last day of the Platinum Jubilee and includes what is officially called the Big Jubilee Lunch. This involves people across the world eating a meal in the queen’s honor.

I assume the meal will end with everyone taking a shot of Salad Queen, a commemorative mayo-based dressing for the Platinum Jubilee.

Then there will be a four-part pageant with various music and dance performances, fashion shows, tributes to the evolution of British culture over the past 70 years